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職場(chǎng)中惹別人生氣了怎么辦？(2)
So how do you get out of this downward spiral?
如此惡性循環(huán)……怎么辦呢?
It's stunningly simple, actually. When you've done something that upsets someone — no matter who's right — always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. Save the discussion about your intentions for later. Much later. Maybe never. Because, in the end, your intentions don't matter much.
其實(shí)，辦法超級(jí)簡(jiǎn)單。當(dāng)你惹別人生氣了，甭管誰(shuí)對(duì)誰(shuí)錯(cuò)，先主動(dòng)開(kāi)口為自己的言行向?qū)Ψ降狼�。至于你本意如何，以后再說(shuō)，或者永遠(yuǎn)都別羅里吧嗦地解釋?zhuān)驗(yàn)樽詈竽愕谋疽獠⒉荒敲粗匾?/p>
What if you don't think the other person is right — or justified — in feeling the way they do? It doesn't matter. Because you're not striving for agreement. You're going for understanding.
要是你覺(jué)得完全是對(duì)方做錯(cuò)了或有失偏頗呢?那也沒(méi)什么大不了的。又不是非得意見(jiàn)完全一致，只要能相互理解就行了。
What should I have said to Eleanor?
那我該怎么跟埃莉諾解釋?
"I see you're angry. You've been sitting here for 30 minutes and that's got to be frustrating. And it's not the first time. Also, I can see how it seems like I think being with a client gives me permission to be late. I'm sorry you had to sit here waiting for so long."
“生氣啦?等了半個(gè)鐘頭，很不開(kāi)心吧?唉，我老讓你這樣等我，老是因?yàn)榭蛻?hù)而耽誤你，讓你等我這么長(zhǎng)時(shí)間，真心對(duì)不起啊。”
All of that is true. Your job is to acknowledge their reality — which is critical to maintaining the relationship. As Ken described it to me: "If someone's reality, as they see it, is negated, what motivation do they have to stay in the relationship?"
這么說(shuō)也都句句屬實(shí)，還能保證倆人關(guān)系和好如初。就像肯告誡我的那樣：“如果人們覺(jué)得自己被忽視了，那還有什么理由相信這段關(guān)系呢?”
In the email back and forth I described earlier, instead of clarifying what you meant, consider writing something like: "I could see how my criticizing your performance — especially via email — feels obnoxious to you. How it sounds critical and maybe dismissive of your efforts in the meeting."
再看我前面提到的“郵件拉鋸戰(zhàn)”。與其不斷強(qiáng)調(diào)你的本意，不如試著這樣寫(xiě)：“我在郵件上指正你的表現(xiàn)顯然讓你感到不爽了。這些話(huà)帶有批評(píng)意味，可能還抹煞了你在會(huì)議上的付出�！�
I said this was simple but I didn't say it was easy.
我說(shuō)這很簡(jiǎn)單，但并不表示這做起來(lái)很容易。
The hardest part is our emotional resistance. We're so focused on our own challenges that it's often hard to acknowledge the challenges of others. Especially if we are their challenge and they are ours. Especially when they lash out at us in anger. Especially when we feel misunderstood. In that moment, when we empathize with them and their criticism of our behavior, it almost feels like we're betraying ourselves.
最難的就是我們會(huì)從情緒上產(chǎn)生抵觸。我們總是專(zhuān)注于自己的挑戰(zhàn)，常常忽略他人的困境——特別是當(dāng)他人的困境就是由我們?cè)斐伞⑽覀冇忠虼吮患づ瓡r(shí)，更難以承認(rèn)。這時(shí)，如果我們認(rèn)同對(duì)方的立場(chǎng)以及對(duì)方對(duì)我們的苛責(zé)，那就等于扇自己耳光了。
But we're not. We're just empathizing.
所以我們不會(huì)認(rèn)同對(duì)方，而只會(huì)一味強(qiáng)調(diào)。
Here's a trick to make it easier. While they're getting angry at you, imagine, instead, that they're angry at someone else. Then react as you would in that situation. Probably you'd listen and let them know you see how angry they are.
下面這個(gè)方法可以讓事情變簡(jiǎn)單一點(diǎn)。當(dāng)對(duì)方向你發(fā)火時(shí)，試著想象他是在向其他人發(fā)火，然后你設(shè)身處地體會(huì)一下，或許你會(huì)傾聽(tīng)并發(fā)現(xiàn)雙方真的很生氣啊。
And if you never get to explain your intentions? What I have found in practice — and this surprised me — is that once I've expressed my understanding of the consequences, my need to justify my intentions dissipates.
要是一直沒(méi)機(jī)會(huì)解釋你的本意呢?事實(shí)上，我意外地發(fā)現(xiàn)，一旦我理解了結(jié)果造成的麻煩，也就不再想去解釋我本意如何如何了。
That's because the reason I'm explaining my intentions in the first place is to repair the relationship. But I've already accomplished that by empathizing with their experience. At that point, we're both usually ready to move on.
原因在于，我一開(kāi)始急于解釋本意不外是為了彌補(bǔ)倆人關(guān)系，但通過(guò)站在對(duì)方立場(chǎng)考慮，我不已經(jīng)達(dá)到這個(gè)目的了嘛?如此一來(lái)，倆人也都盡釋前嫌了。
And if you do still feel the need? You'll still have the opportunity, once the other person feels seen, heard, and understood.
要是你還想作出解釋呢?那么，機(jī)會(huì)也還是有的——只要對(duì)方看上去已經(jīng)明白并理解你的處境。
If we succeed in doing all this well, we'll often find that, along with our relationships, something else gets better: our behavior.
如果我們能做好這一點(diǎn)，不僅人際關(guān)系會(huì)變好，我們的言行也會(huì)漸漸改變呢。
After that last conversation with Eleanor — after really understanding the consequences of my lateness on her — somehow, someway, I've managed to be on time a lot more frequently.
自從上次跟埃莉諾爭(zhēng)執(zhí)后，我切身體會(huì)到了自己的遲到給她帶來(lái)的麻煩，正因如此，不知不覺(jué)間，我竟變得越來(lái)越準(zhǔn)時(shí)了!
http://m.szmdbiao.com/【職場(chǎng)中惹別人生氣了怎么辦？(2)】相關(guān)文章：
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